03/27/14

An excerpt

"What if I were to give it up?  What if I were to just give it all up?

What would I lose? Who would even really care?

Sometimes it just doesn’t seem worth it, and when you turn your head the internet explorer symbol looks like its frowning.

Wandering around seems so much more appealing.

Was it really just a year?  Has it been only a year?

That kiss! How perfectly serene was that moment.  Nothing could defeat you.  Nothing could bring you down.  You had been right all along.  He really DID think of you.  You DID make the right decision.  Life came full circle and you were complete.

Now how to break the news?  That was what kept you up all night.  Not guilt?  Maybe, but wasn’t it guilt all along that held you back?  Weren’t you always guilty? 

Now you’re alone again.  Just like the start.  What changed?  Heartbreak?  Failures?  WAS IT EVEN WORTH it??? You always said it would be.  Do you still believe that?  Did you believe it then, or was it just a ploy because you wanted something you weren’t ready for?

That’s how it always is, right?  We persuade and persuade that it’s the right decision, that there is some perfect justification for the desires.  Well if I feel this way it must be right!?!  Oh that exclamatory interrogative wonder.

Candles, candles, like candles.  You enjoy the moments, peaceful, fragrant, luminous, thrilling…, but gone.  Not like they were never there.  Oh no, it is quite obvious what happened! For goodness sake the empty jar is sitting right there, starring at you, taunting you, reminding you of what you had but burned up so quickly just because you could.

Why do we never take enough time to truly appreciate (yes appreciate not enjoy) all of those moments.

When the night is over and your heart has broken what more can you do?  Move on? Yeah right.  If you could move on you would have 4 years ago, or better yet would have known to not even get into the situation.

'Dreams are like a drug.  When you awake the dream is over, and the pain is worse than knives.'

How true. HOW TRUE.  I knew it then…in the beginning…even before…when things were just starting…things you wanted so bad…so bad…your heart was broken even before it was whole…because you knew what would happen?  You KNEW what would happen??? And still you let it happen???  And still…you let it happen.  Moreover, you MADE it happen. 

What silly silly fools we are.  Like a kite turning and tossing in the wind, but in the wind nonetheless.  Not really in control, but acting as if we have anything to do with it.  Holding ourselves up there.  High and mighty.  Like nothing can bring us down.  Oh if only we remembered how truly thin and fragile we really are."

If only we would remember how truly thin and fragile we really are…