Dusk and Summer

September begins...the wind is howling, the rain is splashing on my windows, and I'm filled with mixed emotions. These first weeks of September are always bittersweet.

On the one hand I'm overflowing with excitement. Autumn is my absolute favorite season. I love the crisp air, the beautifully colorful falling leaves, hot apple cider, and warm cozy sweaters. I'm also reminded of all the happy hopeful returns to school. This time was always filled with dreams of that the year could hold. In fact even though this will be my second fall after graduating from college, I still get that instictive anticipation. I still feel the need for new clothes and a fresh stock of post-its, pens, and pencils (as if the right outfit or supplies would make the year perfect).

This brings me to the other hand (let's say its my non-dominant left hand). This time of year also reminds me that another summer is over. I will never get it back. My mind is filled with memories of great times with friends, relaxing, summer sun, being tan, late nights without worrying about homework, and loads of cash from two jobs. However I am also overwhelmed with thoughts of what could have been and will never be again. I always wish I could have spent more time with certain friends, used my time to relax more efficiently, appreciated that sun a little more, learned more than if I actually had homework, and saved a little more of that cash. I always wish I had the summer back to enjoy even more than I did before.

I guess this will always be the case. I realize that I've always felt this way, but this year is different. Last year I was looking for and looking forward to starting a new job and applying to the Peace Corps. This year I'm simply continuing one of the jobs I already have. There is nothing new or exciting. I already know what to expect. However, I will hopefully have a lot of free time. If I don't become a couch potato maybe this time can be sort of like summer. I can pick up extra shift for cash, spend time reading, and hopefully visit friends. While I know those days will quicly fade away like summer, I can enjoy them for what they are. Every moment is a chance for a new memory. Hopefully, I can find the good memories and avoid the bad ones.

In all of the mixed emotions I can find another bittersweet thought. I will hopefully be leaving for Central/South America with the Peace Corps in January. While this should fill my annual autumn anticipation I'm trying not to let it guide my thoughts. There are still many hoops to jump through and things that could keep me from going; yet, it impacts every decision I make. I don't want it to affect my present life, but it does. I've been building this protective wall of wanting to stay in the present (with my memories of the summer) so that I don't have to consider what would happen if I don't go. For the next few weeks I'll stop making that wall any higher. I can't be completely obsessed with what will probably happen four months from now, but I can start preparing by bettering myself. I plan to donate most of my unnecessary belonging, significantly reduce my spending, cherish every moment with my friends and family, finish reading all of those books I've started, and re-learn my college Spanish.

These first weeks of September will always be bittersweet, but the rest of the year doesn't have to be.

Peace & Cheers